Google . . .


. . . knows where I live.

. . . and so does Microsoft.

It's a bit disconcerting, don't you think?

Waterless urinals . . .

In the spirit of "a green environment," the Naval stations are installing waterless urinals. They have a drain and a chemical tablet, but no flush. They capped the water supply pipe with a little chrome cap.

So, when I walk into the mens' room today, a gentleman is banging on the little chrome cap, and saying it won't flush. I bit my tongue so I wouldn't say: "what about "waterless" don't you get, dude?"

So this is new? Back when I was a kid, we had waterless urinals. We called them either outhouses . . . or oak trees.

Odds . . .

. . . and ends.

Item the first: Years ago, televisions were connected to antennas, and telephones were connected to cables. Now, televisions are connected to cables, and telephones are connected to antennas. What next?

Item the second: A Londoner was wandering down Brewer street, when he chanced to meet a lady who was apparently an independent contractor. A contract was indeed negotiated, and during it's execution, the Londoner noticed that the lady was rapidly nodding her head. When the contract was completed, the Londoner, expecting an after-action report, asked her if she enjoyed herself. "No, ducks," she said. "You just tucked in a bit o' me scarf."

Item the third: Speaking of Paris fashion (ok, I wasn't, but I am now), Is there a single item in the Alexander McQueen line that you would wear - or reccommend to a lady friend, if you're of the guy persuasion?

In a season so bereft of surprises, the whistles and cheers that rained down on the designer as he took his bows proved just how sorely this level of creativity has been missed.

Creativity? Really?

Decorating . . .

through double entendre.

I was reading the other day, and Mrs. B was watching a decorating show on the Home and Garden channel. I wasn't paying attention until the interior designer, in describing the new room, said: "At least, now the drapes match the carpet."

Mrs. B couldn't figure out why I was falling over laughing.

My apologies to my daughter . . . who (very occasionally) reads my blog.

Old wrongs righted . . .

. . . or perseverance personified.

When I was in college (back just after dirt was invented,) we were required to attend convocations. You failed to attend on pain of a 1/10 grade point deduction.

I faithfully resignedly, and with only moderate malice, attended all of them my freshman year, but they lost my attendance card for one of them. I lost that tenth of a grade point. I went to the registrar with witnesses, but they blew me off. Just a kid trying to make excuses.

Many years later, when the university sent me their annual begging-for-a-donation letter, I sent it to the new registrar, telling her why I was not donating, and that I would appreciate a correction to my records. She curtly responded that "Of course, we cannot correct a record that old!"

Early this year, I was rummaging through some records and found my transcripts - with that 1/10th still staring me in the face. This time, I sent a letter to the new president of the university, explaining that it was a small thing - and long ago, but even small wrongs need to be righted.

Yesterday, I received a very nice letter from the provost stating that the registrar is correcting my transcript, and that a new one will be sent as soon as it is recomputed. After 47 years, my permanent record is clean.

Picky, I guess, but I truly believe that not even the smallest wrongs should be allowed to stand.

This . . .

. . . and that.

1. I've been reading Dooce for a long time, primarily for her monthly letters to Leta. If she keeps it up, that will be an amazing record to give Leta later on.

2. Afterthought: I've seen enough of Dooce's belly to last me for the rest of my life.

3. I'm about to finish the 3rd book in Stephanie Meyer's "Twilight" series. I need to see the movie when it comes out on DVD.

Based on 1. & 3., am I finally discovering my inner chick?

Adventures . . .

. . . with the Japanese language.

No, I don't speak Japanese, but 25 years in the martial arts and watching a LOT of Japanese movies gave me a few phrases that sometimes come in handy. I picked up most of it by watching Shogun about a dozen times.

A few years ago, I was meeting with three Japanese businessmen who were interested in qualifying their company as a supplier for the company I worked for. Anyone who has done business with the Japanese understands that it is impolite to proceed without some friendly chit-chat, reverent inspection of business cards, and general socializing.

We talked a little about families, a little about travel, a little about the city, then one of them noticed my Taekwondo 3rd-degree black belt certificate hanging behind my desk.

Him: I see you study martial arts. Do you hold a black belt?

Me: Yes, I am a Taekwondo sandan ( 3rd degree).

Him: Ah. In Japan, Karate is very difficult. Maybe there you would only be a shodan (1st degree.)

Me, rather pissed off, but very calm, and in (what I suspect was) rather firm, but imperfect Japanese: Nante itta-noyo? Nande sonna-koto iun-dayo?! Shodan? Iie! Watashiwa sandan desu. Wakarimasu ka? (Translation: What did you say? Why do you talk like that! First degree black belt? NO! I am a third degree black belt. Do you understand?)

Him: Dead silence.

His boss, Fixing him with a stare that would have drilled a hole in solid granite: Some Japanese words I did not understand.

Me: Now, how can I help you?

The only other time I had the right phrase was in a Japanese restaurant at a teppan yaki grill. One of the people at the table was wearing a hand guard from a samurai sword. He showed it to the Japanese chef, but the chef didn't know what it was.

Me: Kore wa nihonto tsuba desu. (This is a guard for a samurai sword).

Chef: Ah! Wakarimasu. Arigato Gozimasu. (Ah. I understand. Thanks.)

The downside was he now thought I spoke Japanese, and he asked me a few more questions - so I had to tell him: Watashi wa nihon-go ga hanase masen.

This seemed to confuse him, because I just told him in Japanese that I don't speak Japanese.